Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Dear God, Why?

Dear God,

Why did you give me the ability to see things, this vision which can be so empowering and so debilitating? Why did you allow me to see the beauty in things, in nature, in people? And by the same token, why did you give me the ability to see the pain, the hurt, and the evil?

I demand to know why you gave me the inevitable ability to see the good in everything! It has hurt me so much to strive to identify it, to call it out in people, and to be the one to move them into goodness. It has especially hurt me when others have perceived it as malice.

Why did you enable me to witness first-hand how much awfulness there is in the world? Could i not have been spared? For that matter couldn't so many of us have been spared the awfulness?

Why did you make me different? Why couldn't i have been normal? Normal would have been easy. Normal is what people are used to and people aren't used to homosexuals yet; not enough of them, anyway. In giving me this lens, in making me different, in giving me the ability to love so deeply you have given me the ability to see it all - these lenses which give me vision beyond the basic material elements in our reality. Being different has allowed me to see the cruelty in ignorance and the beauty in compassion. But why must i endure the difficulty as well? Do you not think that I would appreciate what I have if you did not challenge me?

Why did you send me the perfect woman - the perfect partner - my best friend, my lover, my wife - she would have been. Why did you bring me the person who notices when a new beauty mark shows up on my face? Did you know, she watches them to make sure they don't change in shape or size? She hides my white hairs from me, tucking them behind my ear, so that I won't notice that I'm aging - something which she knows i dread. In the dead cold of the early morning, she'll stick her arm into the shower, just to wash my back as I prepare for work, because she knows I cannot reach it myself. She'll bind a leather book for me, and ask me to marry her with it. She'll rearrange the stupid tables at the wedding location, just so that my stubborn need to have the three spotlight used is met. Even if it looks stupid, she'll buy the three tiny branches instead of the huge dried tree for the guest wishes/notes. She'll map it out on the white board for me, when i can't spacially visualize what she's talking about. And the best part of all is that every morning she wakes up with a smile. Every morning she wakes up thinking it's a fresh new day, with a positive outlook, and a warmth that breathes life into me. And yet you gave me all of this that comes with an immeasurably horrible baggage - a mother from hell.

Why did you condemn me with the lady Capulet herself? She wants to kill me. She wants to rip me to shreds. She would have brought a shotgun, she said. She's antagonized my mother, my father, my grandmother, me. She's officially pissed me off. And yet, in her feeble and evil mind, she thinks that all this antagonizing will move me to cooperate with her. Why have you given me this challenge to choose between my family's safety and the person who will love me and care for me for all of my days? Do you not even think about how much I love her, my Juliet?

My heart is breaking. Every day she calls me, angry that I have not visited. And every day I have to plead with her, begging her to understand that I have to be cautious if I want to live. And every day she returns my excuse with the assertion that her mother will not be moved into violence. And every other day the evil Lady Capulet strikes again, calling another family member, another member of the community. She vexes us and slanders us all. It is unnerving. But somehow, we will endure.

How will i endure the push and pull between the family that says "save us from this mad woman" and the delicate Juliet that begs me to save her from that same mad woman? Why have you given me this challenge? And what is the right answer? Where should my loyalty lie? My family argues that it should lie with my family and the rest of the world seems to tell me to save the love of my life. The sad truth is, my heart tells me to save both and I'm not sure i see the solution to that. Experts tell me it's not my responsibility to save either - that i need to worry about myself. But I've never been selfish. the most selfish thing I did was allow Juliet to love me and to love her back with just as much commitment and passion.

Why God? Why?


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