Tuesday, September 30, 2008

For my Juliet

Dearest Juliet,

Because I was lucky enough to fall in love with you and find that you fell in love with me... because this song truly represents how lucky we are...

For you. I love you!

"Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat

Always yours,


Time heals...

Dear Readers,

What's new? It's been the month from hell - picking up where we left off, making sense of the mess, looking over our shoulders, hiding under rocks, crying, cuddling, falling apart. Underneath the ruble, though is the truth: we love each other. We made a commitment to each other and here we are, making the most of it. It's not easy, but the reward is great: to see each other smile, to hold each other close, to breathe each other in, to calm each others nerves... to share a life.

Thornton Wilder said it best in "Our Town" - "people are meant to go through life two-by-two." What's the point of it all if you don't have one special someone to share it with? A witness to your life... someone to chronicle your every tear, your every smile, your every fart - LOL - someone who's seen your movie too, listened to the soundtrack of your life and made it with you.
Throughout this trying time - I won't lie - I've fallen quite low. But I didn't realize how low i had gotten until last week, when I gave my lunch back to the porcelain monarch. It wasn't until that moment that i stopped ignoring the chest pain, the moths (not just butterflies) in my stomach, and realized I need help.

I finally gave into the one thing i promised myself i would never give into: therapy. I would have sooner relinquished a limb than to have given into knowing that there was something i couldn't help myself with. But alas, when it gets to the point where you realize you just don't have the clarity to see what the solution is, you need to get help.

I've lost 22 lbs in 3 weeks. It's not only amazing, it's unhealthy. I look better than I have in years, but i feel horrible. My body is broken, weak, and in pain all the time. The chest pain is still not gone, the weak stomach persists, and the palpitations are far from over. The little flutter in my heart comes and goes... but, at least I'm not shaking my leg all the time anymore.

They say time heals... I hate that so much and yet it has proven to be so true... When i was 10, i lost my grandmother to time... and it took 3 years for me to recover. I'm hoping almost losing Juliet won't take 3 years... hopefully we can move on together, much sooner, but without rushing, without pressuring the people around us to change for us a minute sooner. They will come around; they just need time, like i needed time. To them, it's almost like they've lost us and coping is the hardest part. And to us... it's like we lost them and moving on is even harder.

But... time will heal things...

One song gets me through it: "Sa Jeunesse" By Charles Aznavour.

The song is about our fleeting youth and reflecting on our lives. The song reminds me to make the most of every day and to keep up my chin in anticipation of the day when i have the epiphany Monsieur Aznavour had when he wrote this song. On that day, I want to have no regrets about the things I did in my youth... including these few months. His music helps me through it. And my Juliet's smile makes it all worth it.

Wishing you the opportunity to know the love we share,


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Cookie Cutter Mold

Dear Lady Capulet,

My heart pains for you on a daily basis. On one hand, feelings of rage and hatred fill me. And on the other hand, I am so compassionate toward you. In my moments of compassion, i just want to go away and alleviate your pain. But my allegiance is not to you nor to my compassion for you. My loyalty is with your daughter. Leaving, would only hurt her, and I cannot bear to do that.

I realize you wish we could fit the cookie cutter mold you want us to fit in. For you, I wish the young Juliet was straight and in love with the perfect tall, dark and handsome man. For you, I wish our paths had never crossed, and that you would have never experienced the difference in life. But the fact is, that that's just not real. Like fairies don't fly around us, like the Easter Bunny doesn't bring us colorful eggs, and like Santa Claus doesn't come down your chimney, it's just not real that we would fit into your cookie cutter mold.

We are different. We were born into and developed differently than the perfect image you have in your mind. By chance, we crossed paths, and fate keeps us together. While you may not approve, never accept, never embrace, i will always forgive you. I will love your daughter every day from now to eternity. I will protect her, I will care for her, and I will bring a smile to her face every day for the rest of our lives. This is a promise I make to you, Lady Capulet.

With Love,


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Let's Change the pace - My Biggest Critic

Dear Reader,

You might recognize that the over-zealous amongst us tend to be their own worst critics. But I have not ever been so fortunate to be hard on myself. Instead, I've had the pleasure of a lovely lady who has put me in my place - if yo will - every time i stepped out of it.

She is tactless in her ability to humble me. And yet, I am responsive. As raw as the form in which she tells me to get off my pedestal may be, I can see that she says it with love. I mean sure, there's no ignoring that there's a great deal of annoyance that she expresses when she tells me my ego has inflated. But if she didn't care about how others perceived me, she wouldn't care to goad me into bettering myself.

On that note, if you should find that my previous post was oddly reminiscent of wining and complaining - please know that the fair Juliet has already pointed it out to me and that I will do my best to be better next time. It's simply part of human nature, nonetheless, that in a trying time, we inevitably want a shoulder to cry on. Perhaps those moments of vulnerability are left best in private. But I've always tried to be an open book, so forgive me, fair Juliet and dear readers, if I made my woe public for you today.

I have a duty to you to keep my chin up and keep writing - so that I will.

She inspires me every day to be better than I was yesterday...


Dear God, Why?

Dear God,

Why did you give me the ability to see things, this vision which can be so empowering and so debilitating? Why did you allow me to see the beauty in things, in nature, in people? And by the same token, why did you give me the ability to see the pain, the hurt, and the evil?

I demand to know why you gave me the inevitable ability to see the good in everything! It has hurt me so much to strive to identify it, to call it out in people, and to be the one to move them into goodness. It has especially hurt me when others have perceived it as malice.

Why did you enable me to witness first-hand how much awfulness there is in the world? Could i not have been spared? For that matter couldn't so many of us have been spared the awfulness?

Why did you make me different? Why couldn't i have been normal? Normal would have been easy. Normal is what people are used to and people aren't used to homosexuals yet; not enough of them, anyway. In giving me this lens, in making me different, in giving me the ability to love so deeply you have given me the ability to see it all - these lenses which give me vision beyond the basic material elements in our reality. Being different has allowed me to see the cruelty in ignorance and the beauty in compassion. But why must i endure the difficulty as well? Do you not think that I would appreciate what I have if you did not challenge me?

Why did you send me the perfect woman - the perfect partner - my best friend, my lover, my wife - she would have been. Why did you bring me the person who notices when a new beauty mark shows up on my face? Did you know, she watches them to make sure they don't change in shape or size? She hides my white hairs from me, tucking them behind my ear, so that I won't notice that I'm aging - something which she knows i dread. In the dead cold of the early morning, she'll stick her arm into the shower, just to wash my back as I prepare for work, because she knows I cannot reach it myself. She'll bind a leather book for me, and ask me to marry her with it. She'll rearrange the stupid tables at the wedding location, just so that my stubborn need to have the three spotlight used is met. Even if it looks stupid, she'll buy the three tiny branches instead of the huge dried tree for the guest wishes/notes. She'll map it out on the white board for me, when i can't spacially visualize what she's talking about. And the best part of all is that every morning she wakes up with a smile. Every morning she wakes up thinking it's a fresh new day, with a positive outlook, and a warmth that breathes life into me. And yet you gave me all of this that comes with an immeasurably horrible baggage - a mother from hell.

Why did you condemn me with the lady Capulet herself? She wants to kill me. She wants to rip me to shreds. She would have brought a shotgun, she said. She's antagonized my mother, my father, my grandmother, me. She's officially pissed me off. And yet, in her feeble and evil mind, she thinks that all this antagonizing will move me to cooperate with her. Why have you given me this challenge to choose between my family's safety and the person who will love me and care for me for all of my days? Do you not even think about how much I love her, my Juliet?

My heart is breaking. Every day she calls me, angry that I have not visited. And every day I have to plead with her, begging her to understand that I have to be cautious if I want to live. And every day she returns my excuse with the assertion that her mother will not be moved into violence. And every other day the evil Lady Capulet strikes again, calling another family member, another member of the community. She vexes us and slanders us all. It is unnerving. But somehow, we will endure.

How will i endure the push and pull between the family that says "save us from this mad woman" and the delicate Juliet that begs me to save her from that same mad woman? Why have you given me this challenge? And what is the right answer? Where should my loyalty lie? My family argues that it should lie with my family and the rest of the world seems to tell me to save the love of my life. The sad truth is, my heart tells me to save both and I'm not sure i see the solution to that. Experts tell me it's not my responsibility to save either - that i need to worry about myself. But I've never been selfish. the most selfish thing I did was allow Juliet to love me and to love her back with just as much commitment and passion.

Why God? Why?


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

She strikes again

Dear Reader,

The Lady Capulet is quite relentless. Yesterday she paid a visit to the Montague grandmother. Once again she ranted on about how I brainwashed her daughter and switched her brain by being pushy and aggressive. Thankfully, my grandmother had the sense to explain to her that there is no way i could have convinced the fair Juliet to change her orientation. It amazes me, how in her simplicity, she is able to understand that. And yet, these oh so very complicated Capulets are puzzled beyond sense.

The amount of slander going around is so thick and dense, we would need an industrial die cutter to get through it. some say I'm to blame, some say the Montagues are at fault, others say no one is to blame, and others say the Capulets are solely at fault. More than anything, the consensus seems to be that Juliet and I should part. But we love each other, and if anyone has ever felt the bond of love, then they would know, that no obstacle is too great, no anguish is too painful, no duress too imposing to keep two people apart when they love each other. Love is strong. it is so strong. Stronger than i know.

Sometimes, in fleeting moments, I wish i never knew what love was. The old proverbial phrase comes to mind: "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Truly, sometimes i believe that if i had never known what love was, i could have never missed it. But would that have been a life worth living? I'm still thinking about that one...



Thursday, September 4, 2008

Another Day, Another Battle

Dear Readers,

The saga continues. Lady Capulet is relentless. She is going down her list of familiar and feeble family members, hoping to get through to someone, anyone who can influence me to "take my witchy clutches out of" her fair Juliet. Little does she know that the only witchy clutches in Juliet's vicinity are her own.

First she cornered my mother, threatening to set a curse of black magic on our Montagues if this relationship did not end by the end of the year. Then she tried to scare me by leaving me a death threat voicemail. When that wasn't enough, she showed up at my parents' doorstep minutes after the voicemail, screaming yelling, and threatening to destroy our family, to hurt us all, and especially to kill me. When that wasn't sufficient, she elicited the help of her minion nephew, who is married to my father's sister. And much to our grave surprise, the once Montague, now Capulet traitor sided with her minion husband, called me a whore and told me to stay away from her kids. may i note, at this key moment in the development of this social crisis, that i never had any association with her children, except when she invited us over and i would say "hi," "bye," and play monopoly with them, which was a maximum of 2x a year.

Needless to say, it did not stop there. The minion Nephew continued to try to harass me, my sister, fair Juliet, and our dear friend. But that's all documented in the police report, at this stage. And when all that did not suffice Lady Capulet, she proceeded to meet my father and antagonize Sir Montague. Luckily, he held his own, something i did not expect of him. He is an innocent and she is a malicious woman, trying to blame him for allowing our relationship to blossom in spite of the fact that homosexuality "is not natural," as she claims. But in fact, i have to argue, dear readers, that it is most natural in fact. But you don't need to take my word for it. Read on: http://blogs.webmd.com/sexual-health-sex-matters/2007/04/is-homosexuality-against-nature.html

What's next Lady Capulet? Who is next on your list of innocents to torture? When will you learn that only your minion nephew and his traitor wife will bow down to your feigned authority? The rest of us don't care about you, at all. And shame on you, for abandoning your child, for wrecking every chance of happiness she has ever had, because you could not allow anyone to love her more than you. You are selfish and greedy, and you know it. And what you do with all that negativity is try to project it on others. You have made me out to be the devil, calling me names and accusing me of things there is just no way i could have done. Gotten under you daughter's skin? Brainwashed her with flowers and candy? You are ludicrous! I merely treated her with respect and kindness, something which you clearly never knew how to afford her. It's no wonder she would rather be with me than with you. I offer her comfort, attention, support, help, tenderness, and humor. You offer her lectures, impositions, demands, oppression.

Someday you will learn that your role in life was not to control but to learn how to accept the things that are better than you. I believe. I believe in you, despite all your malice. I believe that you will see the light, and that the anciently aged indomitable rocks around your hidden heart will crumble to reveal a softer side of you. I believe you will come to terms with the fact that your child deserve to be happy too, even if it doesn't fit the traitorous mold you had to endure. And if i have believed this in error, then you will suffer the consequences, not I. you will feel the loneliness and abandonment that comes with rejecting your child's choices, as your child has felt it from you.

I pray for you at night, Lady Capulet. I pray not as you do - i do not wish you to turn into a snake, nor to leave us from this place. I pray that you will find peace in your heart and that you will prove to us all that there is a human inside of the monster you have shown us.

A prayer for Lady Capulet - may her heart find peace.

With hope,


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

If you should someday stumble upon my blog, here is a letter I wrote you a year ago. It seems to resonate still today, as we are surviving this trying time together... Please read on when you have a moment to yourself.

Last weekend you said something that hit very close to home for me. And I regret missing the opportunity to tell you that.
I don’t want to go through life knowing that you have no idea who I am. So, in an effort to avoid the Sunday morning teary-eyed conversation with my kids about how grandma and grandpa have no idea who I am, I am making a list for you.

I am a believer. I believe in love and good intentions.
I am a dreamer. My dreams are boundless and possible. I am someone who makes my dreams come true.
I am a romantic.
I am calculated.
I am passionate.
I am ambitious.
I am compassionate.
I am in love.
I am a child at heart, not in mind.
I am a deep thinker.
I am a philosopher.
I am an observer.
I am stubborn.
I am passive aggressive.
I am a writer.
I am a public speaker.
I am emotional.
I am sentimental.
I am sensitive to others.
I am a true friend.
I am committed.
I am faithful.
I am tired.
I am missing the support.
I am hurting.
I am angry at the world.
I am proud of my family for trying to overcome their instincts to reject me for being different.
I am angry at my family for making me feel like they’re rejecting me and my partner as a unit.
I am hurting because I feel like my family wants to sweep me under a rug and hide me.
I am angry that my family is turning a blind eye to the happiest part of my life, the most fulfilling part that I’ve been dying to share with them.
I am disappointed that the world cares so much about interfering in my pursuit of happiness.
I am so much more disappointed that my culture/community is so consumed with disrupting my happiness because it doesn’t fit their mold.
I am sad that the role I’ve played to fit in has so deeply hidden the person I am.
I am lucky. I am lucky to love and lucky to be loved, unconventional as it may be.
I am loved by a sensitive, kind, gentle, giving, committed, loyal, and loving person.
I am not alone in the world, though sometimes it might feel like I am.
I am part of a whole couple.
I am respected by my peers.
I am admired for being true to myself.
I am revered for sticking to my principles: every action I take is out of love and kindness.
I am a believer in the fact that I only have one chance to live and that I’d better make the most of it before my short time runs out.
I am a leader. I can make people dream with me.
I am sad that I haven’t been able to make my family dream with me.
I am excited to know that I found someone who wants to dream with me every day for the rest of our lives.
I am reassured to know that I found someone who will take care of me when I am old and gray because they want to.
I am thankful to have found someone who respects my principles, my family, my goals, and my ambitions.
I am grateful to have a partner in life who pushes me to follow through on my goals till I have accomplished them.
I am appreciative of the fact that my partner encourages me to have faith in my family, no matter how angry I get.
I am glad to have a partner with good morals.
I am aware of the challenges that I have faced and the challenges I am willing to continue facing.
I am not oblivious to the fact that my partner’s family is no basket of fruits, to say the least.
I am confident that we can endure victoriously and overcome all the obstacles put in the path of our love.
I am in the process of figuring out how to fight a bully.
I am welcoming allies and recruits for the defense I am building against that bully.
I am building an army of courage inside of me to demand of the world the most ridiculous thing: the right to my happiness, as if it’s the world’s to give.
I am someone who makes my own happiness.
I am not an activist.
I am someone who makes lemonade out of lemons; damn good lemonade too.
I am not a thief.
I am not an extortionist.
I am not a cheater.
I am not promiscuous.
I am not confused.
I am not rushing into things.
I am not stupid or naïve.
I am not unreasonable.
I am not possessive.
I am not manipulative.
I am not trying to rush you.
I am impatient.
I am nervous about how you are feeling.
I am worried about you.
I am worried about you and me.
I am NOT selfish.
I am certain.
I am the owner of a huge ego.
I am humbled, nonetheless.
I am a person who builds lasting relationships. And I want to build a lasting relationship with my family; all I need is a little reassurance that I am not alone in this desire.
I am desperately wanting to share my life with my family.
I am in admiration of my father, the role model who has taught me to fight for what I believe in.
I am eager to keep my sister close to me; she’s all I’ve got in this life.
I am someone who always wanted to have a close bond with my mother.
I am working on building bonds.
I am educated; I know too much.
I am wise; life has made me this way despite my age.
I am a trooper; I have endured a lot of pain.
I am independent; I have bared my own cross.
I am a sister; I give rides to parties and school; I waste my day hanging out at the back of the same restaurant to make sure she’s safe; I take her to movies; I worry every second that she’s not holding my hand; I am proud of her.
I am a daughter; I have worn the dresses, grown my hair long, gotten good grades, been on TV, written a play, spoken at funerals, graduated early, gotten a prestigious job; I have understood my parents; I have never blamed my parents for anything; I have come home every night, called every day, and kept my paranoid mother in touch so she worries a second less; I have not done drugs; I did not come home pregnant and bare-footed; I did not sleep around; I remembered every birthday, holiday, and anniversary, not because I was obligated but because I love you; I kept the messiness of the truth away to spare you; and because I love you so much, now that I’ve found the person that matters, now that we’re getting ready to settle down, I want you to be a part of that.
I am going to make this work, with or without your support, because I have dreamt that I can, because I want to, and because I know I will be able to. I would just rather do it with you by my side, but that’s your choice to make.
I am asking my father to support me, please.
I am begging for tolerance, hoping for acceptance, and dreaming of some embrace.
I am praying my father will give my partner another chance, a chance worthy of more than just an awkward, fleeting handshake.
I am hoping that my father will show me I’m not alone in the world.
I am asking that despite all the pressures of the rest of the world – that world which could care less about when your back hurts, when you’re stressed at work, when you’re unfulfilled at work, when you’re emotionally lacking – that my daddy will help me now that I’m asking him to, because it hurts me when his back hurts, because I stress with him when he’s stressing, because I want to help him find self-fulfillment when he’s seeking it, because I want to love him when he’s lacking love, because I love him.


If ever there were anyone who would love you the most, it’s me. I know I’ve done a lousy job of showing it to you, especially in the last few years, but you have been my example, my role model, and my mentor. Everything I know and believe about decency, kindness, and love, I learned from you. And I would hope that at this time in my life, when I try to reach out to you for closeness, that you can look at me (although with some pain in your heart) and still be proud to see that while somewhat unconventional and challenging of the way the world is, I am decent, I am loving, and I am kind. And even if you never accept me for the choices I’ve made, I will always adore you for making me the wonderful person I know I am. I can never thank you enough for doing all the right things and instilling within me the values of family, responsibility, and love that guide me. As hard as this is, I know that someday you’ll stop hating me for the choices I made to be happy. I know this because we’re so alike. I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you to be the ideal dad. But honestly, it’s just that… that’s how highly I think of you. I never thought you were any less and it made me so angry when I saw you talk and act like you might not be the dad I know and need. And I should have never asked you to be something you’re not. But I’m a firm believer that it never hurts to ask. I need you to know that you are a phenomenal man, the best man I will ever know, and that I will love you, whether from a distance or close by, forever!

No matter what you decide, I’ll die believing you wanted to pick me over society… so no matter what you decide, please don’t crush that belief; please.>>



What just happened?

Dearest Sympathetic Readers,

I have been absent, planning a wedding, planning a life. I hope you can forgive me. But upon my return, i regret to inform you that I have no wedding bliss pictures, no honeymoon tales, and no overall smiles to share. I have, instead, the woe and sorrow of a tragedy to tell.

It is with a very heavy heart that I write you this entry to announce that due to an unexpected turn of unfortunate events, the dream wedding we had so anticipated is off.

On August 19th, 2008 at 9:30pm, my Juliet's mother claimed that one of our friends arrived at her doorstep with one of our wedding invitations and presented it to her. Immediately after that, i received a call on my cell phone from a blocked number and didn't answer it. Juliet, myself and a friend were convened at another friend's house when the call came in. The voicemail that was left was a death threat from a very familiar voice who was trying to deepen their tone to disguise themselves. It was uncannily reminiscent of the "Santa Claus" voice that Juliet's mom used to make at Christmas for the children. At Juliet's heed, we marched to the Glendale Police station and filed a report. Within minutes, the crazy woman was at my house harassing my parents. After several threats to kill us all and vex us with black magic, we had to make the grave decision to cancel the wedding and part ways, in an effort to spare our lives.

Juliet and I love each other very much and are horribly devastated by the fact that we had to make this decision to protect the people we love.

We thank you all for your support. We ask that you are patient with us while we learn to cope with the life change we are having to make. As soon as we figure things out and stop hurting quite as much, we will provide you with a follow up of what we are to do next.

We do not know who gave the evil woman an invitation, nor are we certain that her allegation is true. We cannot imagine that anyone on on our guest list would have done that to us. But if it is true, alas, that person will have to live with themselves.

Please do not judge us for the decision we had to make to survive. We never imagined this would get quite so bad. We have no way of knowing if her threats are imminent or not and cannot risk the lives of innocent family members based on a hunch.

We just had to give each other up to spare each other's lives. This is very hard.

With a heavy heart,