Tuesday, June 3, 2008

They just can't be happy for us!

Dear Reader,

My dearest and I did a lovely thing this memorial day. We spun a huge web of lies just to surprise my family in Orlando, FL while on their week-long DisneyWorld vacation. My father had been very upset that I wasn't joining them on this trip. They seem to have removed all thoughts from their minds that I have a significant other and that we are progressing towards settling down together. Needless to say, when I told them I was saving my vacation days for something else, they got mad at me. They don't know that "something else" is our honeymoon. But, to smooth things over, Juliet and I did what we had to do, spent too much money, and surprised them for the long weekend. They were ecstatic to see us. They were so happy to have us with them for a few days that nothing else mattered. We were away from home, away from all the burdens, and enjoying that imagination and sublimation of the happiest place on earth: DisneyWorld!

It was great and we came back without them. We had the house to ourselves for a week so Juliet told her parents she was away on a conference for a week and stayed with me instead. It was wonderful playing "house" and living together as we will be soon. And nothing was more awful than when we had to finally part.

The last few days since my parents' return have been quite strange. I've been moody and she's been needy and in between us is our family. My folks have wanted to consume every minute of my time and so have Juliet's. They've driven her crazy at this point. And all the while, we struggle to get together for meals and share a couple of hours together. Unfortunately, spending that time at my house seems to be the worst thing, now that every one's back home. It was lovely while we were here alone, but now that we're back, my mother has started again with her heavy sighs and ugly faces. Juliet doesn't deserve that - and yet my mother can't stop hating her for being the one person to come in and ruin her complacent bull shit life! It makes me mad. We dine with our other friends at my house, and my parents praise their relationships and are overjoyed for them. And when they see my Juliet and I exchange a smile or a glance, they develop a look of disgust and follow it with those ugly sighs. Why can't they be happy for our affection too?

What's worse is that I'm now officially poised in the position where I'm about to crush everything in every one's lives by taking this huge plunge. And as D day gets closer, i get more and more nervous. I don't know how i can do it - to ruin so many people. My parents will be shamed by the lady Capulet. My grandparents, who are friends with the Capulets, will have their social circle destroyed. Their monthly gatherings will officially crumble because of us. The community will be in an uproar. And as much as I'd like to care less about them, the Capulets will be ruined. All they have is their one daughter and i am ruining all their hopes and dreams because I'm a woman. My Montagues will never get along with them and I have no idea what we got ourselves into.

I almost want to call it quits, run away, forget it all... but I can't! I adore her. I'm just not sure how I'm going to work out living with myself for the rest of my life, knowing i caused the heartache of so many people, albeit that they are narrow minded and un-accepting. This is the cross I bare, daily. And yet, I can't take it anymore; I can't stand not living together anymore. I'm ready to start my life. But what's the solution? How do I get around the mess? What do I do?

Readers, please comment with some suggestions. I'm losing my mind in this conflict between martyrdom and doing something for myself for a change!

Nervous and Confused,



Bryan said...


Here's where I'm coming from: I'm in my late 20's, and nearly four years into a hetero marriage. My partner and I have been living on different continents for the past year and a half, pursuing our respective dreams. The time apart has been agonizing; it feels like there's a great big empty hole in my life, and I'm constantly struck with acute aching pangs for the happy times we shared together in the past. It's like a sort of withdrawal, except that it gets worse over time, not better.

Happily, we are about to be reunited for good, and I can finally see the shiny side of that dark coin again. Through this painful descent and reemergence, I have learned what I had always believed but never known: that nothing can replace the feeling of loving someone deeply, of sharing your whole self with that person, of inhabiting each other's daily lives intimately and completely. Now that I am about to reclaim that wonderful feeling after nearly losing my grip on it, I know that it's far too precious to suppress or place in jeopardy.

I think that, deep down, you know the correct answer to your question, but maybe it will help to hear it from a complete stranger. No, it won't be easy to turn your family's life upside-down, but nothing is worth suppressing what is possibly the most fantastic thing that will ever happen to you. As things stand, they're turning your life upside-down, and that's completely unfair because all you did was allow yourself to love someone deeply.

I don't know the specific dynamics of your family, so I don't know how things will play out over time, but I suspect they will turn out better than your worst imaginings. It's hard to bear a sustained grudge against someone who has found happiness and fulfillment; who appears, despite all of the hyperventilating in the broader society, to be a normal person who has solved one of the great mysteries of life. Eventually, they may come to see you two not as a !LESBIAN! couple but merely as a couple, and a very good one at that.

To succumb to your family's prejudices and petty discomforts would be a tragedy. I wish you all the best, and hope you are able to find the peace and fulfillment you deserve.

Sullivan said...


My Juliet and I thank you for your support and encouragement. Your words will carry us through the next few months! Thank you!