Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

If you should someday stumble upon my blog, here is a letter I wrote you a year ago. It seems to resonate still today, as we are surviving this trying time together... Please read on when you have a moment to yourself.

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Last weekend you said something that hit very close to home for me. And I regret missing the opportunity to tell you that.
I don’t want to go through life knowing that you have no idea who I am. So, in an effort to avoid the Sunday morning teary-eyed conversation with my kids about how grandma and grandpa have no idea who I am, I am making a list for you.

I am a believer. I believe in love and good intentions.
I am a dreamer. My dreams are boundless and possible. I am someone who makes my dreams come true.
I am a romantic.
I am calculated.
I am passionate.
I am ambitious.
I am compassionate.
I am in love.
I am a child at heart, not in mind.
I am a deep thinker.
I am a philosopher.
I am an observer.
I am stubborn.
I am passive aggressive.
I am a writer.
I am a public speaker.
I am emotional.
I am sentimental.
I am sensitive to others.
I am a true friend.
I am committed.
I am faithful.
I am tired.
I am missing the support.
I am hurting.
I am angry at the world.
I am proud of my family for trying to overcome their instincts to reject me for being different.
I am angry at my family for making me feel like they’re rejecting me and my partner as a unit.
I am hurting because I feel like my family wants to sweep me under a rug and hide me.
I am angry that my family is turning a blind eye to the happiest part of my life, the most fulfilling part that I’ve been dying to share with them.
I am disappointed that the world cares so much about interfering in my pursuit of happiness.
I am so much more disappointed that my culture/community is so consumed with disrupting my happiness because it doesn’t fit their mold.
I am sad that the role I’ve played to fit in has so deeply hidden the person I am.
I am lucky. I am lucky to love and lucky to be loved, unconventional as it may be.
I am loved by a sensitive, kind, gentle, giving, committed, loyal, and loving person.
I am not alone in the world, though sometimes it might feel like I am.
I am part of a whole couple.
I am respected by my peers.
I am admired for being true to myself.
I am revered for sticking to my principles: every action I take is out of love and kindness.
I am a believer in the fact that I only have one chance to live and that I’d better make the most of it before my short time runs out.
I am a leader. I can make people dream with me.
I am sad that I haven’t been able to make my family dream with me.
I am excited to know that I found someone who wants to dream with me every day for the rest of our lives.
I am reassured to know that I found someone who will take care of me when I am old and gray because they want to.
I am thankful to have found someone who respects my principles, my family, my goals, and my ambitions.
I am grateful to have a partner in life who pushes me to follow through on my goals till I have accomplished them.
I am appreciative of the fact that my partner encourages me to have faith in my family, no matter how angry I get.
I am glad to have a partner with good morals.
I am aware of the challenges that I have faced and the challenges I am willing to continue facing.
I am not oblivious to the fact that my partner’s family is no basket of fruits, to say the least.
I am confident that we can endure victoriously and overcome all the obstacles put in the path of our love.
I am in the process of figuring out how to fight a bully.
I am welcoming allies and recruits for the defense I am building against that bully.
I am building an army of courage inside of me to demand of the world the most ridiculous thing: the right to my happiness, as if it’s the world’s to give.
I am someone who makes my own happiness.
I am not an activist.
I am someone who makes lemonade out of lemons; damn good lemonade too.
I am not a thief.
I am not an extortionist.
I am not a cheater.
I am not promiscuous.
I am not confused.
I am not rushing into things.
I am not stupid or naïve.
I am not unreasonable.
I am not possessive.
I am not manipulative.
I am not trying to rush you.
I am impatient.
I am nervous about how you are feeling.
I am worried about you.
I am worried about you and me.
I am NOT selfish.
I am certain.
I am the owner of a huge ego.
I am humbled, nonetheless.
I am a person who builds lasting relationships. And I want to build a lasting relationship with my family; all I need is a little reassurance that I am not alone in this desire.
I am desperately wanting to share my life with my family.
I am in admiration of my father, the role model who has taught me to fight for what I believe in.
I am eager to keep my sister close to me; she’s all I’ve got in this life.
I am someone who always wanted to have a close bond with my mother.
I am working on building bonds.
I am educated; I know too much.
I am wise; life has made me this way despite my age.
I am a trooper; I have endured a lot of pain.
I am independent; I have bared my own cross.
I am a sister; I give rides to parties and school; I waste my day hanging out at the back of the same restaurant to make sure she’s safe; I take her to movies; I worry every second that she’s not holding my hand; I am proud of her.
I am a daughter; I have worn the dresses, grown my hair long, gotten good grades, been on TV, written a play, spoken at funerals, graduated early, gotten a prestigious job; I have understood my parents; I have never blamed my parents for anything; I have come home every night, called every day, and kept my paranoid mother in touch so she worries a second less; I have not done drugs; I did not come home pregnant and bare-footed; I did not sleep around; I remembered every birthday, holiday, and anniversary, not because I was obligated but because I love you; I kept the messiness of the truth away to spare you; and because I love you so much, now that I’ve found the person that matters, now that we’re getting ready to settle down, I want you to be a part of that.
I am going to make this work, with or without your support, because I have dreamt that I can, because I want to, and because I know I will be able to. I would just rather do it with you by my side, but that’s your choice to make.
I am asking my father to support me, please.
I am begging for tolerance, hoping for acceptance, and dreaming of some embrace.
I am praying my father will give my partner another chance, a chance worthy of more than just an awkward, fleeting handshake.
I am hoping that my father will show me I’m not alone in the world.
I am asking that despite all the pressures of the rest of the world – that world which could care less about when your back hurts, when you’re stressed at work, when you’re unfulfilled at work, when you’re emotionally lacking – that my daddy will help me now that I’m asking him to, because it hurts me when his back hurts, because I stress with him when he’s stressing, because I want to help him find self-fulfillment when he’s seeking it, because I want to love him when he’s lacking love, because I love him.

Dad,

If ever there were anyone who would love you the most, it’s me. I know I’ve done a lousy job of showing it to you, especially in the last few years, but you have been my example, my role model, and my mentor. Everything I know and believe about decency, kindness, and love, I learned from you. And I would hope that at this time in my life, when I try to reach out to you for closeness, that you can look at me (although with some pain in your heart) and still be proud to see that while somewhat unconventional and challenging of the way the world is, I am decent, I am loving, and I am kind. And even if you never accept me for the choices I’ve made, I will always adore you for making me the wonderful person I know I am. I can never thank you enough for doing all the right things and instilling within me the values of family, responsibility, and love that guide me. As hard as this is, I know that someday you’ll stop hating me for the choices I made to be happy. I know this because we’re so alike. I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you to be the ideal dad. But honestly, it’s just that… that’s how highly I think of you. I never thought you were any less and it made me so angry when I saw you talk and act like you might not be the dad I know and need. And I should have never asked you to be something you’re not. But I’m a firm believer that it never hurts to ask. I need you to know that you are a phenomenal man, the best man I will ever know, and that I will love you, whether from a distance or close by, forever!

No matter what you decide, I’ll die believing you wanted to pick me over society… so no matter what you decide, please don’t crush that belief; please.>>

Sigh,

--Sullivan

What just happened?

Dearest Sympathetic Readers,

I have been absent, planning a wedding, planning a life. I hope you can forgive me. But upon my return, i regret to inform you that I have no wedding bliss pictures, no honeymoon tales, and no overall smiles to share. I have, instead, the woe and sorrow of a tragedy to tell.

It is with a very heavy heart that I write you this entry to announce that due to an unexpected turn of unfortunate events, the dream wedding we had so anticipated is off.

On August 19th, 2008 at 9:30pm, my Juliet's mother claimed that one of our friends arrived at her doorstep with one of our wedding invitations and presented it to her. Immediately after that, i received a call on my cell phone from a blocked number and didn't answer it. Juliet, myself and a friend were convened at another friend's house when the call came in. The voicemail that was left was a death threat from a very familiar voice who was trying to deepen their tone to disguise themselves. It was uncannily reminiscent of the "Santa Claus" voice that Juliet's mom used to make at Christmas for the children. At Juliet's heed, we marched to the Glendale Police station and filed a report. Within minutes, the crazy woman was at my house harassing my parents. After several threats to kill us all and vex us with black magic, we had to make the grave decision to cancel the wedding and part ways, in an effort to spare our lives.

Juliet and I love each other very much and are horribly devastated by the fact that we had to make this decision to protect the people we love.

We thank you all for your support. We ask that you are patient with us while we learn to cope with the life change we are having to make. As soon as we figure things out and stop hurting quite as much, we will provide you with a follow up of what we are to do next.

We do not know who gave the evil woman an invitation, nor are we certain that her allegation is true. We cannot imagine that anyone on on our guest list would have done that to us. But if it is true, alas, that person will have to live with themselves.

Please do not judge us for the decision we had to make to survive. We never imagined this would get quite so bad. We have no way of knowing if her threats are imminent or not and cannot risk the lives of innocent family members based on a hunch.

We just had to give each other up to spare each other's lives. This is very hard.

With a heavy heart,

--Sullivan

How my Juliet proposed

Dear Mar and other interested readers,

When it came to proposing to the die-hard romantic, my darling Juliet outdid me by far. You'd think it's important for the romantic of the two to have a magnificent proposal story. But in fact, it seems she gave the romantic the most memorable, knock-your-socks-off, romantic-est proposal ever!

Juliet and I had found a lovely "private" beach, as we called it. It was a 100-ft mini beach that the bay dumped into, overlooking Downtown San Diego. It was secretly nestled between Il Fornaio and a tented playhouse. Thinking we were the only ones ever to have discovered this secret spot, we walked down to our little private beach and people watched on our blue blanket.

Being that it was the day of our anniversary, my Juliet presented me with an anniversary gift. It was rectangular in shape, wrapped in navy blue crushed velvet fabric, tied with a gold tassel, with a red rose hanging from it. When I unveiled the fabric, it was wrapped in white paper. As I tugged at the white paper, i discovered a blue, leather bound book, with my nick name embossed on the cover in silver leaf. The binding read "The Early Works." She had compiled all my poetry, short stories, and articles and had them published and leather bound.

She made me flip through the pages, until I got to the point where the pages seemed to be stuck. At about the middle of the book was a page that included a very romantic inscription, at the bottom of which was a flap that read "Will you marry me?" When i lifted the flap, it revealed the engagement ring. She had a ring box built into the second half of the leather bound collection of everything I had written to date. Not to mention, the inscription leading to the flap made me cry, it was so cute. She not only eternalized my work, but made me a proposition I could not resist! Of course, I said "Yes!" And it was magical.

Loving her,

--Sullivan

Plans A, B, C and D

Dear Super Des and other Readers,

I thought it only fair, after sharing with you the actual proposal story, to share the runner up options which fell through.

Plan A:
Having been to the city of love/lights before, I could think of nothing better than to propose to my Juliet in France. She was graduating from college in June of 2007 and we had made plans to travel together for our 5th anniversary as a sort of double celebration. I kept pushing to go to Europe, thinking I could make it a most memorable trip.

Planning in advance, i contacted a florist in Paris that was willing to make me a floral arrangement in the shape of an engagement ring, which would hold a ring box in the center of the "stone" part. My plan was to arrange for us to go to the Eiffel Tower on the day of our anniversary, in the early afternoon. Among the crowds, I would ask my Juliet to take a seat on the bench under the tower, and wait for me to buy the tickets to climb the lift of the tower. While she waited, florists would come by to deliver her little floral arrangements and greet her with "Bonne Anniversaire Mademoiselle" until the last arrangement would arrive (the ring arrangement). The ring box would have a little note inside that said "Will you marry me?" at which point i would approach, kneel, and present the ring.

Plan B:
My Juliet began suspecting that i wanted to propose to her and jested to me that i would do something corny like propose under the Eiffel Tower. So i quickly began to amend the plan.

I contacted a friend who could arrange for a quartet to play along the banks of the Seine river, where the artists paint and sell. Once again set in Paris, I intended to take my Juliet to the banks of the Seine on the afternoon of our anniversary to have our portrait painted. While we "posed" I would arrange for the quartet to play the tango from Scent of a Woman (the song we danced to together when we were falling in love). Once again, I would have the floral scene play out as described above, at which point, I would once again kneel and ask.

Plan C:
George Bush and his ensemble ensured that the value of the dollar would drop, and it increasingly became nearly impossible to afford diamond rings and a lavish trip to France. So, i had to take the practical route.

Coronado Island happens to be the place where we fell in love. We didn't know it at the time, but the minute we became a couple, we realized that Coronado Island was the magical place that did it for us. So why not pop the question there?

I made reservations for us to stay in the deluxe suite at the Crown City Inn. We would drive down the day before our anniversary, and spend a 4 day weekend in our special place. I could not think of a better idea, than to have an insta-engagement. So i devised a "super secret" email to our most intimate friends, inviting them to drive down on the day of our anniversary (Friday August 24th) to meet us for dinner at The Rhino Cafe. The Rhino was a sentimental restaurant for us, one we had visited every time we went down to the island. It was where we shared our first glass of wine. The plan was to have them all seated for dinner, waiting for us to arrive. When we would get there, they would yell "Surprise" as if they were throwing us a surprise anniversary party. Once the excitement had settled, i would make a speech or announcement and propose to my Juliet. Poof, the surprise anniversary party would instantly become and engagement party.

Plan D:
The jerks at the Rhino cafe refused to accommodate a party of 12. So instead i thought of the next most sentimental spot for us: The Lambs Players Theatre. Every time we visited the island, our ritual was to see a play at the Lambs Players Theatre and have dinner at The Rhino. I had asked a friend to make arrangements with the theatre to do the following:

I would take my Juliet for what she thought was a Friday matinee. We would be seated in the front row of the dark theatre, after which i would excuse myself to go to the restroom. Prior to our arrival, our guest list of friends would have been allowed to fill the seats of the theatre. So unbeknownst to my Juliet, our friends would have been sitting behind and all around her. In the meantime, the stage manager would have directed me to the back of the stage, so that i may make an appearance on the set. A light tech would have shined a spotlight on me, and a sound tech would have played a song i had prepared. I had made a medley of all of our songs, ending with Peter Gabriel's "Book of Love" which ends with the line "I want to give you wedding rings." I would come on stage, do a little pirouette to the medley, get down on one knee and propose. After she said "Yes," the house lights would go on, and the audience would applaud. Much to her surprise, my Juliet would find us surrounded by our friends. Dinner reservations were made such that we could all have an instant-engagement party immediately after at the Hotel Del Coronado.

The history behind Plan E:
About a month before the "big day" I sent out an email to all our friends, telling them the super secret surprise engagement details. One friend replied to the email and added that we should get together for dinner soon. As stupid as i am, i replied and copied in my Juliet to ask if she was in agreement over the dinner date schedule. Much to my stupidity, the previous chain of emails were included, and the surprise was spoiled. she had seen the details of the insta-engagement plans included in Plan C. So to throw her off, i told her i was so upset at the misfortune of her having found out about it, that i was cancelling the whole thing. In reality i proceeded to plan out Plan D. Well, feeling bad that i had gone through all the trouble and then cancelled, she sent out an email of her own, inviting all the same people to try to surprise me on her own! Before we knew it, we had each invited all the same people, to the same place, for different reasons. Well, we found each otter out, and simply planned a joint engagement dinner for the evening of our anniversary and had planned to each propose to each other when we felt it was right - we just had to make sure we did it before the engagement dinner part! haha!

So about half an hour before Plan D was supposed to take place, i found out that our guests were nowhere near the island yet. So i was willing to abandon the "audience" factor of my grand scheme and rushed to the theatre at 5:30 to make my grand performance for my Juliet. At 5:25 my friend called to tell me that the lady at the Theatre called her to tell her that they didn't have a light or sound tech available. Fine! I would abandon all that too. Finally, she called to say they simply wouldn't be able to accommodate us anymore. So, spontaneously out of options, I thought that the beach front at the Hotel Del Coronado was the other most sentimental spot for us. I immediately texted all our friends, urging them to rush over there. I parked the car in a loading zone, grabbed the blanket out of the back seat (which was luckily there) and dragged my Juliet by the hand to the beach where... you can read all about it in the previous post on Plan E!

Still laughing about the fiasco,

--Sullivan

How I proposed...

Dear readers,

I am ashamed to admit that when the time came to do the most romantic thing in the world, all my world-class perfect proposal ideas fell to flame and all I was able to do is the following:

In a rushed Plan E, I texted everyone to meet us on the white-ish sands of the Hotel Del Coronado on August 24, 2007. We were wearing the same outfits we wore exactly 5 years ago, when in a completely unexpected moment, we kissed on August 24, 2002.

We found 4 rows of white wedding chairs lined on the sand in preparation for a wedding rehearsal, and sat and waited for our audience to arrive. I laid down a blue fleece blanket on the sand, and the wind began to blow. My best friend, at the time, laid down her purse to keep the edges of the blanket from curling up. We each took off our shoes and lined the other corners and edges of the blanket. I took my Juliet by the hand and led her to the blanket. I gently got down on one knee and said:

"In this unforgiving world,
We seek to find
A smile, a glimmer, a breath returned
To call home.

And I - I’m lucky, because
Every time you smile back at me,
When I see that glimmer in your eyes,
When I feel you breathe…
I know I’m home.

I want nothing more than to come home to you
Every day for the rest of my life.
So if you’d like to come home to me too...
Will you marry me?"

She said "Yes!" :)

Still in love with my Juliet,

--Sullivan

The Lord's Prayer in Armenian

Dear Readers,

On the off chance that any of you might want to learn how to recite the Lord's Prayer in Armenian, here it is transliterated in English for you below.

A Phonetic key:

'i'-s have the long "eeeeeeee" sound below. 'tz'-s make the same sound you get in tsetse fly. 'gh' makes the same sound as the French 'r'. 'u'-s make the same uhhhhhhhh sound as in uncle. 'oo'-s make the same oooooooo sound as in "ooooooooo, ahhhhhhhhhh". And all 'r'-s must be rolled. "yoo" is pronounced like "you" with an 'n' or 't' tacked on depending on the word. 'o'-s alone make the long 'ooooooooo' sound as in oval. 'Ayl' is pronounced like aisle.


The Lords Prayer: Transliterate (English) - Hayr Mer (Our Father)
Hayr mer vor hergins yes;
Soorp yeghitzi anoon ko.
Yegeghtze arkayootyoon ko;
Yeghitzin gamk ko;
Vorbes hergins yev hergri.
Uz-hatz mer hanabazort door mez aysor.
Yev togh mez uzbardis mer,
Vorbes yev menk toghoomk merotz bardabanantz.
Yev mi danir uzmez ee portzootyoon;
Ayl purgya uzmez ee chare.
Ziko e arkayootyoon yev zorootyoon yev park havidyans, havidenitz, Amen.

Yours,

--Sullivan

They just can't be happy for us!

Dear Reader,

My dearest and I did a lovely thing this memorial day. We spun a huge web of lies just to surprise my family in Orlando, FL while on their week-long DisneyWorld vacation. My father had been very upset that I wasn't joining them on this trip. They seem to have removed all thoughts from their minds that I have a significant other and that we are progressing towards settling down together. Needless to say, when I told them I was saving my vacation days for something else, they got mad at me. They don't know that "something else" is our honeymoon. But, to smooth things over, Juliet and I did what we had to do, spent too much money, and surprised them for the long weekend. They were ecstatic to see us. They were so happy to have us with them for a few days that nothing else mattered. We were away from home, away from all the burdens, and enjoying that imagination and sublimation of the happiest place on earth: DisneyWorld!

It was great and we came back without them. We had the house to ourselves for a week so Juliet told her parents she was away on a conference for a week and stayed with me instead. It was wonderful playing "house" and living together as we will be soon. And nothing was more awful than when we had to finally part.

The last few days since my parents' return have been quite strange. I've been moody and she's been needy and in between us is our family. My folks have wanted to consume every minute of my time and so have Juliet's. They've driven her crazy at this point. And all the while, we struggle to get together for meals and share a couple of hours together. Unfortunately, spending that time at my house seems to be the worst thing, now that every one's back home. It was lovely while we were here alone, but now that we're back, my mother has started again with her heavy sighs and ugly faces. Juliet doesn't deserve that - and yet my mother can't stop hating her for being the one person to come in and ruin her complacent bull shit life! It makes me mad. We dine with our other friends at my house, and my parents praise their relationships and are overjoyed for them. And when they see my Juliet and I exchange a smile or a glance, they develop a look of disgust and follow it with those ugly sighs. Why can't they be happy for our affection too?

What's worse is that I'm now officially poised in the position where I'm about to crush everything in every one's lives by taking this huge plunge. And as D day gets closer, i get more and more nervous. I don't know how i can do it - to ruin so many people. My parents will be shamed by the lady Capulet. My grandparents, who are friends with the Capulets, will have their social circle destroyed. Their monthly gatherings will officially crumble because of us. The community will be in an uproar. And as much as I'd like to care less about them, the Capulets will be ruined. All they have is their one daughter and i am ruining all their hopes and dreams because I'm a woman. My Montagues will never get along with them and I have no idea what we got ourselves into.

I almost want to call it quits, run away, forget it all... but I can't! I adore her. I'm just not sure how I'm going to work out living with myself for the rest of my life, knowing i caused the heartache of so many people, albeit that they are narrow minded and un-accepting. This is the cross I bare, daily. And yet, I can't take it anymore; I can't stand not living together anymore. I'm ready to start my life. But what's the solution? How do I get around the mess? What do I do?

Readers, please comment with some suggestions. I'm losing my mind in this conflict between martyrdom and doing something for myself for a change!

Nervous and Confused,

--Sullivan